I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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