i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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