My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
