On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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