Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
