Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Randomize
