The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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