were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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