I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
