her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
