my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
