I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
