I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
