paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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