I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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