I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
