I wish I could teleport
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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