he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
