Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
