Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
