Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
