life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
