we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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