Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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