I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
