i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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