it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Two words: blizzard sex
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
