anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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