I'm so fucking centered right now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
