this beer tastes like vomit already
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
