I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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