I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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