I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
