i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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