i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
