Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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