I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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