Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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