gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
