May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
