there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
