nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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