We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
