Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
