so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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