paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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