for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
