I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
