I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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