I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
