I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
