I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize