thus making me awesome and them whores
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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