I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
