with your own penis?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
