and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
